I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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