why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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