I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We need to get me chipped asap
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
