You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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