Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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