my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
