Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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