i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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