These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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