I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
