apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
