yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
