You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this just has baby written all over it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How does it feel to date your dad?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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