I want to have your abortion
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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