how can u be prego again
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
