if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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