I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
