i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
