I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
