He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
