Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
