How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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