I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
