I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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