he thought i was a dude.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
