dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
