she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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