Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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