i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
