i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
