apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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