just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
