she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
