I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
