I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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