bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
