I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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