you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
