Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
