no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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