jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
