Just fell off a train. Bad.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Farmville is her only friend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
