Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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