omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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