Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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