do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
