I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
