and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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