just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
