the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
