No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
