I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
