just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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