Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
