stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
